Subaqua Sternal Rubs

A few jokes to brighten your day… I know I need it - I have finals coming up next week.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery clinic.

She laid her pet on the table; the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head slowly and said, "I am sorry, your duck Cuddles has passed away.

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the examination table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I am sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$250!!!!" she cried."$250 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $250."

3 guys working atop a skyscraper:
Guy 1: If I get chicken for lunch tommorow, I'm jumpin!
Guy 2: If I get fish for lunch tommorow, I'm jumpin!
Guy 3: If I get roast been for lunch tommorow, I'm jumpin!

The next day rolls around, and guess what, chicken, fish, and roast beef are on the menu!! Now, there are 3 dead construction workers.

The wives of the 3 dead workers at the funeral home:
Wife 1: I feel awful, if he didn't want chicken, I would have packed him something else.
Wife 2: I feel awful, if he didn't want fish, I would have packed him something else.
Wife 3: I really don't care!
Wife 1 and 2: WHAT!?
Wife 3: The idiot packed his own lunch every day!

Three Doctors were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

The first one said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's gluteal and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

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