Subaqua Sternal Rubs

These are in honor of the airline losing my luggage…. and days later still not finding it
Good thing I didn't read some of these before I flew.

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are are only 4 ways out of this airplane.

Pilot - Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish but please stay inside the plane - it's a bit cold outside.

Pilot, after landing - Thank you for flying xxxxxxxx. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

Welcome aboard Southwest flight xxx to yyy. To operate your seatbelt insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds.. but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendents. Please do not leave children or spouses. Last one off the plane cleans it.

Pilot, opening words. XXXXXX is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry…. unfortunately none of them are on this flight.

Flight Attendant - We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a flimsy pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at XXXXXXX.

Flight Attendant after hard landing - We ask you to remain seated while Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.

Flight Attendant after really hard landing in Phoenix - Ladies & Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

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