Subaqua Sternal Rubs

People call the ER for a variety of reasons, and most of the time they have legitimate medical questions. Unfortunately, for liability reasons we cannot give out medical advice over the telephone. Not infrequently, however, the calls are inane, ignorant, or just downright stupid. The following are all transcripts of calls received from in the emergency department. These calls were compiled by the ER nurse or the ER clerk who answered the call and felt that the call merited special attention for one reason or another. None of these calls are made up. I couldn't think up this stuff on my own.

Caller: I'm tired of being black. I wanna paint myself white. How much does it cost to change your skin color?

Caller: How many weeks has it been from December 27th until now?

Caller: Do you draw blood on people in the ER? Do you run tests on it?

Caller: How long does it take for a DNA test to come back?
ER Clerk: You should call the person who performed the test.
Caller: Just give me a rough ballpark!!
ER Clerk: This is not a question you should be asking at an emergency facility!

Caller: I heard something on the news about boiling water. Do you know anything about that?
ER Nurse: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Caller: Oh good, so you're not boiling your water?
ER Nurse: No sir, I'm drinking a cool cup right now. Try calling the news and find out the story. Please call back and tell us if we should be boiling our water!
Caller: Ok, thank you!

Caller: I have fifty broken ribs and two broken shoulders and Doctor Jekyll wrote me a “scription” for percocet. Well my stupid kitty cat knocked the whole bottle down the sink. I managed to take 18 or 19 before they went down the drain. Please have the doctor call me another one in because Dr. Ruth won't.
ER Nurse: The ER doesn't write narcotic refills… ever.
Caller: No, you don't understand me… I am in pain! Please just have the doctor call in some Percocet.
ER Nurse: Sir, you don't understand—we don't call in narcotic refills.
Caller: Great… so I'll be in for a refill, 'kay?
*Click*

Frantic Caller: I was just stung by something yellow and black at the park! The bite is huge! Should I come in? My brother was stung thirty times and he's about to pass out!
ER Clerk: Well if you feel it's an emergency you should come in.
Frantic Caller: Ok, because I think they were killer bees!

Caller: I don't want medical advice. I just want to know if I mix something with a prescription drug if it will do something to me.
ER Clerk: Call the pharmacy.
Caller: I just want to see if it's going to mess me up.
ER Clerk: Call your pharmacy.
Caller: It's cocaine and Cipro.
ER Clerk: Call your pharmacy.
Caller: What's that number?
ER Clerk: Call your pharmacy.
Caller: You stupid fuck.

Caller: I came in yesterday for an abscess on my cheek and now I want to get it drained. Can I come in for that?
ER Nurse: Well, you should follow-up with your PCP first or a clinic, and if it turns life-threatening go to the nearest ER.
Caller: NO!! I want to come in to the ER to get it drained!
ER Nurse: Okay, so do that!
Caller: Well, my question is what should I write down is my problem when I sign in?
ER Nurse: What?!

ER Clerk: ER…
Caller: I have a question, and I need to speak to a nurse.
ER Clerk: Well ask me the question.
Caller: I don't want you to think that I'm being… this is a serious question.
ER Clerk: Ok, go ahead.
Caller: If a man loses his testicles—you know got castrated—can his penis get hard?
ER Clerk: If a man lost his testicles?
Caller: Yes, can he have an erection?
ER Clerk: I can't answer that question, but I would suggest calling your doctor, and they will be able to answer your question.
Caller: Ok.

Caller: Is it busy? Do you know if it is a full moon?

Caller: I lost 20 pounds today, and I'm going to sleep under a bush.
ER Clerk: (speechless)

Caller: I need to know if I can spread the West Nile Virus because I am moving to the other coast.
ER Clerk: You should call your regular doctor.
Caller: I don't have one because I have no insurance.
ER Clerk: Then who diagnosed you with having the West Nile Virus?
Caller: No one. I have swollen lymph nodes and flu-like symptoms with dizziness.
ER Clerk: But no one has diagnosed you? That could be a lot of things.
Caller: I am 100% sure that I have this virus.
ER Clerk: Ma'am, you would need to be tested and seen by an MD to be sure.
Caller: But I have the dizziness. The dizziness!
ER Clerk: You need to be seen by a doctor. Any ER will see you without insurance.

Caller: What are the symptoms for the West Nile Virus? Because last night I got home late from work, and when I was standing in the front of my front door I dropped my key. I tried to get inside the house as quickly as I can. And during that time I think I was bitten by some mosquitoes, and now today I just feel awful. You know, hurting all over, and I'm starting to feel worse. As a matter of fact, I think I'm feeling stuffy too. (all spoken without taking a breath)

Caller: I just heard on the radio that there was a hit and run at 5:30 this morning. How do I find out if I know him?
ER Clerk: Do you think you know him?
Caller: No, I just wanted to help identify the vehicle.
ER Clerk: Did you see it happen?
Caller: No.

Caller: Is there some kind of “throwing up flu” going around?

Caller: My boyfriend has a really bad fever. It's 104º. We've been trying to break the fever. I gave him ¾ of a bottle of Nyquil, and it didn't work.

ER Clerk: Emergency Room, how can I help you?
Caller: Is this the Emergency Room?

Caller: I sprained my ankle and wanted to know if you have doctors who attend to that kind of emergency?

Caller: Could you transfer me to the Mortuary Department?
ER Nurse: Excuse me? What department?
Caller: They found a body floating in the Lake last night, and I want to come and view the body in case I have that person's identification. Because I had ID for the one they found a couple of weeks ago.
ER Nurse: Excuse me? Did that person get transported to the Medical Center by the Fire Department?
Caller: Well, no… but I thought you keep all the bodies from this area and then either burn 'em or bury 'em!
ER Nurse: No, we only temporarily hold bodies that have passed on the premesis until the medical examiner or funeral home retrieve the body.
Caller: Well, that's really inconvenient and stupid!

Caller: (muffled) I got bit by a spider last week, and I want to make an appointment.
ER Clerk: You want to make an appointment to the ER?
Caller: Yes.
ER Clerk: We don't make appointments in the ER.
Caller: Well, my wife has been bit by a spider now, and I want her to be seen.
ER Clerk: Ok, if you want to, bring her in.
Caller: Well, it is not life threatening, and I want to make an appointment for tomorrow. I was wondering if my wife would be covered under my insurance. I have full coverage.
ER Clerk: Is your wife on your policy?
Caller: No.
ER Clerk: Then, no, she would not be covered.

ER Clerk #1: ER…
Caller: I would like to know why you cut clothes off in the emergency room. Who reimburses you for the clothes?
ER Clerk #1: You want to know why we cut clothes off of patients?
Caller: Yes, and who is going to reimburse me?
ER Clerk #1: We cut them because if you are injured, and we took the clothes off instead of cutting them, we could injure you further. It's a protocol.
Caller: Well, that doesn't make sense. Who is going to reimburse me?
ER Clerk #1: Ma'am, no one will reimburse you.
Caller: Well I want to speak to the supervisor.
ER Clerk #1: Okay
… transferred to the operator …
… transferred back the ER …
Caller: I want to know why you cut clothes off people.
ER Clerk #2: They do that so they can help you if you are injured.
Caller: Well, my clothes didn't need to be cut off. Who is going to reimburse me?
ER Clerk #2: No one is going to reimburse you.
Caller: Well, someone is going to give me some money.
ER Clerk #2: No, they're not.
Caller: Well, I bet if I came down there and threatened you all with a gun, someone would give me some money.
ER Clerk #2: I don't think that would be very smart.
Caller: But I would get some money, huh!
ER Clerk #2: Yeah, and you could spend the money while you're sitting in jail.
Caller: No, I would get away really fast.
ER Clerk #2: Okay, you do that then.

Caller: My chest hurts. Does this mean I have appendicitis?

Caller: If I was going to pass out and I would be alone, what could I do?
ER Clerk: Do you pass out on a daily basis?
Caller: No, I have no health problems.
ER Clerk: Why are you calling here?
Caller: I'm just trying to make my own little “safety book” to carry with me.

Caller: What time do you close?

Caller: If you call 911 and they come to pick you up, where do you go?

Caller: I'm looking for my pants that the ER cut off of me last month.

ER Clerk: Emergency Room. Can I help you?
Caller: Do you have an ER Department?

Caller: I was there a few days ago. They tole me I had a problem with my "psychotic nerve" and it is not getting better.

Visitor in the ER: Do you have the results of his "scat can"… "scat can"… "scat"….

Caller: I need to speak to someone in the nurses' station.
ER Clerk: You are.
Caller: I need to know if you have had a lot of people coming in with rashes.
ER Clerk: No, not really.
Caller: I have been to my MD for my rash, but I was watching CNN, and they said that ther is a rash going around. I need to know if I should come in.
ER Clerk: We haven't noticed a rash epidemic. You can be seen if you want to.
Caller: Oh, ok.

Caller: Do you have "measles-rash" epidemics going around?

Caller: (sounds like Selma on the TV show Night Court) I was mugged in Central Plaza today. They stole my purse with my gold card, medicaid card, and food stamps. Can you help me? I don't want someone to come in and use my medicaid when they aren't me.
ER Nurse: Let me transfer you to registration.
Caller: I don't know my medicaid number, but I can give them my social security number.

Caller: I just shot myself. Would I be seen right away?

Caller: What are the symptoms for gas pains?

Caller: I was seen in your ER September 2000 for an accident. Did someone anonymously call HRS on me?

Caller: Who do I talk to to get a medical record for someone that I do not have a name for that was seen sometime last month?

Caller: Is an 8 ounce glass of water the same as an 8 ounce cup of water?

Caller: I live on the beach and I think my Mom has red tide.
ER Clerk: Huh?
Caller: Well, the red tide came to my beach and my Mom's eyes swelled shut. I think she has red tide.
ER Clerk: Sir, people don't "contract" red tide.
Caller: WELL, YOU CAN SAY WHAT YOU WANT!
*click* (caller hung up)
ER Clerk: Okay, have a nice day, FISH HEAD!

Caller: I think my mom was transmitted to the ER.

Caller: Are you able to see patients in the ER tonight? Is there a doctor there?

Caller: Why aren't you accepting my son for surgery?
ER Clerk: Where is your son?
Caller: Another hospital.

Caller: I just had sex with a woman, and I did not use protction. Now what do i do?

Caller: Yeah, hello. My wife drank too much. Can I bring her in to get a shot of Ativan?

Caller: I'd like to talk to a doctor about this problem I'm having.

Caller: It smells like a dead man in my vagina. Should I come in?

Caller: How do I know when my last "technical" shot was?
ER Clerk: Don't you mean "tetanus" shot?
Caller: Yeah, I came in there yesterday, and I need to know–did I get a technical shot?

Caller: I had 2 cuts and they were both sutured. My papers say that I can get my sutures out in 7-10 days–but since I have 2 sets of sutures, should I wait 14-20 days?

Caller: My friend got attached by a squirrel, and it did not break the skin. Should they come in and be seen?

Caller: Do you have registered nurses in your emergency room?

Caller: Can a guy get his tubes tied?
ER Clerk: He can have a vasectomy.
Caller: Do they give him a receipt when they do that?
ER Clerk: What?
Caller: Because this guy told me he had his tubes tied, and he can't get girls pregnant. Is he B.S.ing me?

ER Clerk: Emergency Room.
Caller: CAN YOU GET THIS GODDAMN THING OUT OF MY EAR?!
ER Clerk: Excuse me?
Caller: THERE'S COTTON IN MY EAR. DO YOU ALL KNOW HOW TO GET OUT EAR COTTON?

Caller: My pig just bit me, so I slapped her. Do you treat pigs in your ER.

Caller: If you hear your arm pop, and the bone is sticking out of the skin, is it a guarantee that it is broken?

Caller: Is my niece there? They said she came in for "constrictions."
ER Nurse: Do you mean "contractions?"
Caller: Yeah, whatever.

Caller: Do you have a county-wide database of all ER's, so I can find my girlfriend?

Caller: I burnt my mouth on a crack pipe last night. If I came in to be seen, would you call the police on me?

Caller: Could you tell me the difference between red blood cells and white blood cells? If you bleed out your white blood cells, why is your blood red?

Caller: Can you tell me how to take a laxative?
ER Nurse: Sure, you can read the directions on the bottle.
Caller: Let me read you the name. (Caller spells out the name)
ER Nurse: Okay, now read the directions.
Caller: I'm blind so I can't read it. But when it says take orally, does that mean through your mouth?

Caller: Will you be able to see me for an ingrown toenail?
ER Clerk: Yes.
Caller: Okay, I don't get off work 'til twelve, but I'll try to hold off 'til then.

Caller: I need to know what I should do. I think I took too much foot medicine this month. My chest feels shaky.

Caller: (in heavy Asian accent) You open all the time?
ER Nurse: Yes.
Caller: My wife had baby. Too much pain.
ER Nurse: Okay.
Caller: I bring her now.

Caller: I'm impacted.
ER Clerk: I'm sorry, I can't understand you. What did you say?
Caller: I'm impacted. What should I do?
ER Clerk: I can't give you any advice over the phone. I'm sorry.
Caller: I've been using vaseline and trying to dig it out.

Caller: What do you call it when you can't stop eating?

Caller: Are you supposed to grow hair on your butthole or is there something wrong with me?

Caller: Have you had any Jane Doe's in the past three weeks with pancreatitis? Do I qualify to call the M.E.'s office to ask them?

Caller: Do you know what a "risin'" is?
ER Clerk: No.
Caller: It's kind of like a bump but not really. It's on my butt and it hurts really bad. I need crutches. I will buy them.

Caller: We have one of your patient's dog at our house. The dog is beside himself. Do you think you will release him soon?
Same person called back 3 hours later complaining again about the dog.

Caller: What time do you open? So if I come in at six in the morning, will I be tended to?

Caller: I need to have pain medication. I didn't know I had morphine after my liposuction. After the tummy tuck it was bad. Before that I was fine. You know, like Montel Jordan.

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