Subaqua Sternal Rubs

General

- Each member should be assigned a role.

- The Probie is responsible for direct patient torture.

- The Crew Chief should be filling out a PCR and yelling at the family/bystanders

- The Attendant should be guessing taking vitals

- The Driver should be getting equipment and setting up the ambulance to kill the patient.

- The Crew Chief on call should be sitting in their girlfriends room far away from the call.

The Role Of The Crew Chief (CC)

- The CC at the scene is in charge above anyone, except a GOD. (aka Supervisor)

- The CC in charge at the scene should be especially sensitive to the rest of the crew. You should not drive to the call, interview the patient, take the vitals, treat the patient, and give the hospital presentation while the rest of the crew is standing there watching. Leave them behind!

- The CC should be getting the patient information, and stand out of the way while the rest of the crew is dealing with a slap-happy or infectious patient.

- At an MVA , The CC’s responsibility is the safety of the crew. This person is to start fires, Direct traffic into the crew and patient and act as a liaison with Public Safety for scene control.

- The CC is in charge of torturing the hospital with a presentation filled with useless information and lacking important information. They are also in charge of torturing the triage nurse by being clueless about what is wrong with the patient.

- The CC must not finish their presentation until in view of the triage nurse. This way the nurses get the pleasure of saying, "Thanks for notification, I SEE YOU!"

- The CC should drag out the call as long as possible (a half hour on scene at least for a simple bruised knee, plus forty five minuets to write the PCR). This way we can mutual aid second calls because the other ambulance is OOS (see role of the driver).

- The CC is to leave any standby so that they get a call at the location of the standby before they get back to HQ.

- At any call that sounds serious all CC’s will buff. This way there are 5 people on the ambulance and another 10 at the scene.

- The CC is also responsible for driver training and must pass on all their bad habits (see rules for the motley crew)

- The CC is also in charge of making sure the Probie knows their place (see role of the Probie)

- To get the ambulance running, get suspended for it. Then return it to it’s original condition.

- To forget to disconnect the oxygen so the crew almost strangles the patient as they take them out of the ambulance

- To know alternative methods of healing ("I was paralyzed by magic", "can your parents help you on another level?")

The Role Of The Crew Chief On Call(CCOC)

- The CCOC is responsible for making sure their pager malfunctions.

- The CCOC is responsible for not responding due to taking a shower or other activity away from their pager.

- The CCOC is responsible for misusing thr first response vehicle by bringing their girlfriends home with it no matter where they live.

- The CCOC must park the first response vehicle in a place where it will get vandalized.

- The CCOC is responsible for only knowing that first response vehicle is somewhere on the campus.

The Role Of The Driver

- The Driver when enroute to the call and the hospital is in charge of playing with the lights and siren. They are encouraged to find new and interesting sound combinations. They are also in charge of slapping the CC’s hand when they attempt to touch the lights or siren.

- The Driver is in charge of torturing dispatch by find long ways to give simple signals.

- The Driver is most importantly in charge of upholding the law that no more than one ambulance may be in service at any time. If for some bizarre reason both ambulances are in service the driver must screw up one ambulance. This may be accomplished by:

1. Putting the wrong fuel in BOTH tanks. This way the engine is FUBAR instead of recoverable.

2. Shutting the rig off and leaving the batteries on thereby killing the ambulance.

3. Revving the engine so high that it backfires and explodes. This way you not only destroy the ambulance, but discover a new sound (although it may be the last thing you hear).

4. Trying to get the ambulance as close to the actual scene as possible by driving it into a building, sections of fences, or the lower sections of the parking garages.

5. Getting the ambulance stuck in the mud so that the patient has to get out and push.

The Role Of The Attendant

- The Attendant is in charge of attaining vital signs , and annoying the CC with dumb suggestions of how to care for the patient

- The Attendant is also in charge of pointing out that their dumb idea was better than the CC’s moronic one.

- The Attendant is in charge of making sure the ambulance is fully stocked at the start of shift. Yes you actually have to open cabinets to do this.

- The Attendant is responsible for removing the plastic wrapping that the splints come in. This way instead of having a reusable splint, it becomes a very expensive disposable splint!

- To not know where anything is on the ambulance, despite doing rig check everyday.

- To not know how to assemble the stairchair so it collapses on the patient.

The Role of the Probie

- The Probie is in charge of annoying all other members of the crew by getting in the way and asking stupid questions.

- The Probie is also in charge of making sure they don’t get left at the scene. As a new member NO ONE KNOWS YOU, not even your CC.

- The Probie is lowest in rank, just above the clueless civilian, and proves the old saying , " A little knowledge is a dangerous thing"

- The Probie is responsible for doing all the scut work. This includes answering phones & the door, emptying the garbage, cleaning anything, and bringing food for the CC (groveling doesn’t hurt)

- It is also the responsibility of the Probie to take all the punishment that the other members of the crew dish out.

The Role Of The Officer.

- All Decisions involving second calls, crews etc., are decisions of the line officer. However if the line officer should try to turn the ambulance into a sardine can then by all means the Probie should call for help.

- The line officer ‘s primary function at a call its to organize the scene, oversee the safety of the crew and the patient, make decisions involving second and third calls, determine when additional personnel is needed. Additional personnel?!?! Where will we put the patient??

- When a helicopter is requested, the officer is to coordinate the landing with Public Safety. Get Real The Helicopter?

The Role Of ALS

- ALS should always be called if the call is an actual emergency (ALS is far more efficient in killing the patient than BLS).

- If waiting for ALS will delay transport too long, Stall!

- The AEMT should always use technical language so as to show their superior knowledge… or lack of same!

- The crew at the scene should, when the AEMT arrives instantly disappear so they won’t help/hinder the AEMT. The crew can also be safe in the knowledge that the patients status is no longer entirely their fault (Hey CC, should we have waited an hour for ALS?)

- The Crew should have nothing done by the time the AEMT arrives so the EMT can show his knowledge of ALS by telling the AEMT, " BLS before ALS".

- To stick the patient numerous times and never get an IV, despite the fact that by the time you finished you could have been at the hospital.

From The Lunatik's EMS Page

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